Random Notes

Gw pengen gitu sekali kali izin ga masuk kantor karena sakit. Tapi ga tau karena terlalu work-dedicated atau terlalu compliance -nya gw. Pasti ga jadi. Ga jadi bukan karena apa-apa, karena tau-tau udah ga sakit lagi. Sembuh. Ntah kenapa ini jadi semacam skedul tetap badan gw. Kalo mau sakit nih, udah ga enak badan, pegel apalah, dihari apapun pasti berasa-kan. Pas lagi hari kerja udah berasa nih, sakitnya baru kambuh weekend. Sabtu, minggu uring-uringan. Senin pagi langsung mendingan. Alhamdulillah. Dulu gw sering meng-sugesti diri sih emank, "Jangan sekarang sakitnya, jangan sekarang". Karena dulu, waktu kuliah, kayaknya bakal nyusahin banget kalo sakit. Nyusahin orang lain. Nyusahin hidup gw. Lama-lama jadinya kebiasaan. Orang-orang ampe bilang gw jarang atau ga pernah sakit. Padahal mah ga keliatan aja. Sakit terus. Apalagi hati. Beuh.

"It's all just game. Slow aja ka." (about work) Omongan dari seorang subordinate dikantor, yg ngenaa banget ke gw. Slap me across the face dan bikin gw untuk take it easy . Ini bukan tentang perfection tapi do your best . A really nice waking-up-slap i ever received . Cheers !

Setelah feeling depressed and lost selama hampir setahun , i finally seems to find my way back . Ini ga gampang. Trigger-nya datang tiba-tiba waktu gw video call sama adek gw yang lagi pulang kampung, ngobrol tatap muka sama Mama, yang biasanya cuman denger suara doank, dan gw suddenly feels home . Bikin gw ngerasa, no matter what happen , they will always be there and giving me the unconditional love and supports as a family. They remind me that love always be there, only if you brave enough to reach it. Dan disinilah gw, ngebongkar kembali all the old things that i love . Gw bongkar lemari penuh novel-novel fantasi yang udah lama dan berdebu banget. Gw buka - buka dan baca-baca sekilas. Gw mikir "Anjir, ini asik banget lho. Kenapa bisa gw tinggalin sih?". I was like, "I don't care. Let's do this again." " Over time, little by little, we stop doing the things we love. We don’t stop for any particular reason, but one crazy week follows

I always think about my self. My problem, my weakness, my secret. My depression. I never think about other people. Even though I am, ujung-ujungnya tetep about me. I need to change that. I need to think about other people more. To give more. Stop asking why the world do this to me but asking what can I do to the world. I need to be selfless. To be more of an Abgenation. To care about other people than your self. To stop thinking about my pain and curse. Cause I am not the only one with it. Stop being bitter. Stop blaming. Stop being angry. Stop being unsatisfied. Accept. I am not the only one. And not the most painful one.

Udah bego kenapa harus nutup-nutupin pake nyari kesalahan orang sih. Ga punya kelebihan?

My situation almost similar with people with depression that lead into suicide. Well, I am in depression, not as far as to kill my self but I am on my way to kill my job. Part of me still screaming for help, begging for attention from specific person, which in my case is my superiors. I want them to know that i am depressed, i feel not okay and i greatly need of help. But i want them to know just from my careless gesture, from the harsh and sarcastic tone of my word, from the void of emotion in my face. Yes, part of me waiting for them to say " I understand ", without i need to explain it. I want them to reach out their hands and help, without i need to asking for it. But they don't. And the depression keep going deep. The cliff I climb keep going high. Some other person reach out to me, but they are not what i want. They are good, they are the best, but they aren't the right medicine for this ill. I want them to do it. But still they didn't. So when th