Random Notes

It's been 3 months and more since i last speak with my parents . Terakhir pas gw ketawan lagi di Bali dan nyokap gw histeris nelpon + nangis-nangis sampe nyinggung-nyinggung kalo gw belum nikah dan bikin dia worry trus. Dia bilang kalo kerja cuman gitu-gitu aja trus. Seolah-olah kerjaan gw doesn't matter . Sakit hati banget, gw selalu never enough di mata dia. Selalu berekspektasi A, B, C dan bedanya sekarang I'm done being the good boy who always filled her expectations . So I just cut it off. Stop komunikasi dan just ignore it. Gw masih bales kalo di tanya lewat whatsapp, meskipun hanya reply seadanya doank, tapi kalo ditelpon gw masih ga mau. Apalagi sekarang gw udah di Jakarta lagi, salty aja karena memori selama tinggal di Bali jadi rusak. Gw cuman mau bilang, stop involving in my life. I am an adult now. Whatever shit I do, how fucked up I am , cukup tau aja, cukup doain aja. Ga usah nelpon trus nangis-nangis, it doesn't work anymore . Cuman bikin gw makin n

Every time i face my family, especially my parents, i get back become a young version of my self who can't speak properly and logically, who can't speak reason and explain something. I'm became mute, and only capable to agreeing and keeping all my feelings inside. Every time.  I used to think that my mother is perfect. And in turn, it make me do all I can to receive her approval and validations, which is never came. The silence is deafening. I never get a compliments, but when nilai ada yg turun, dikomenin . As a child, i always feels like i am never enough for her. Perfectionis, anak baik, anak penurut is all i become. I never make a decisions, all i do was asked her, and she do it for me. I never learn to be mandiri, apalagi untuk hal-hal yg relatif susah , i mostly hide behind her. I have no self esteem, no self opinion. So when she left me alone with my grandma when i was SMP, it messed me up.  My father is just so distanced, he never be emotionally there. My mother so