Deep Talk

Every time i face my family, especially my parents, i get back become a young version of my self who can't speak properly and logically, who can't speak reason and explain something. I'm became mute, and only capable to agreeing and keeping all my feelings inside. Every time. 

I used to think that my mother is perfect. And in turn, it make me do all I can to receive her approval and validations, which is never came. The silence is deafening. I never get a compliments, but when nilai ada yg turun, dikomenin. As a child, i always feels like i am never enough for her. Perfectionis, anak baik, anak penurut is all i become. I never make a decisions, all i do was asked her, and she do it for me. I never learn to be mandiri, apalagi untuk hal-hal yg relatif susah, i mostly hide behind her. I have no self esteem, no self opinion. So when she left me alone with my grandma when i was SMP, it messed me up. 

My father is just so distanced, he never be emotionally there. My mother so dominant, his figure often just disappeared. I never learn about responsibility, how to ngambil keputusan, how to take a stance and defend it. He's a plin-plan person with problematic childhood and unfinished trauma, hal yg gw baru ngeh dewasa ini. He lost his father when still young, Around SMP or SMA, and he never really grow up since. 

The thing is i spend most of my time blaming my father. While in truth, dua-duanya ada peran. My father for his absence and my mother for her dominant and overbearing.  I am still angry to my father sometimes, when he so childish, but mostly i understand even sympathize, especially after he crying hard and sobbed when scolded by me and my lil-bro. I am 90% still answering his phone. But my mom is another story. I am only 65% answering her phone. 

My mom always be a trigger for my trauma. The feelings of being controlled and "do only what her want, as she instructed" is so strong, i often avoid it. Another things i learned recently is she's manipulative. Using tears and crying, instead of reasons. Bikin anak ngerasa guilty. She is the youngest daughter in her family so maybe it is what her weapon all along. Once my father said that my mother is too easy to cry, I was skeptical back then but now i see what he means. 

I think that was the critical point which shape me who i am today. The source of all my trauma and issues. 

Bali used to be safe haven, a place without worry. But now, all i can remember is all the negativity. The place where i give up, during my sabatical leave few years back. Time when encountered with difficulty, worriednes and the unpredictable, i choose to give up, to get back to my comfort zone. All just because i cant ride a motorcycle, make me feels like i failed travelling in Bali. 

I often get misunderstood. I even used to it and believe no one will ever understood me. People dislike to communicate with me, because i am sensitive, not fun, scary, so they distance themselves. Even my families, they not comfortable with me, which is a tragedy, because what do i have if even family doesn't bring that comfort. Do i have no home?

They then assume something about me. They think i dislike conversation, or because they "care", choose to keep silent to avoid me become offended etc. While in truth, all they do was hurt me. 

I like being asked. Ask me about something and i will answer. Ask me for my help, i do my best to do that. Just don't nyindir2 me, telling me something rhetoric. Kode2. Because my feelings is bipolar. One day, i am a stone, i will not understand what u mean, i will not feels what you feels. Others, it's a fire. Just a little blow and its flared. 

I spend most my childhood become a third person. People speak about me and i heard them directly. One day, a neighborhood speak "Kasian bgt Alan, masih kecil udah ditinggalin snediri sama neneknya aja". In schools, my classmate said "Jgn diajak dia anak pinter", "Bencong dia". It's hurts a lot. Dan membekas sampe dewasa. 

Have you meet someone who you can be just who you are? Your closest friend, who know you, and no matter what you do, they treat you like usual, who tell you directly what happens, who right you up when you are wrong. Cause i haven't. At some point, people just stop. Then i am also stop. 

Ada yg bilang, golden child issue. Orang-orang terbiasa memperlakukan gw sebagai orang yg pinter, istimewa. Kayak kpop idol, so many people like him, love his positivity, kelebihannya, kesempurnaannya. Tapi tutup mata sama kekurangannya. Which is so sad. Because nothing is perfect. Kayak beneran lho, gw itu ga perfect, dan orang2 cuman senyum mencibir ga percaya.